S T R E N G T H

It’s been one week since my dad passed away. I haven’t cried in three days. I feel strong.. most of the day.  I like to be at work so I don’t have to think about it. I’m starting to eat and sleep again. I’ve survived 7 days longer than I thought I would, but this shit sucks honestly. Everyone feels so bad for me. So many apologies and hugs. I mean don’t get me wrong I appreciate it, and I am so thankful to have such a strong support system who I love, but I don’t want to be felt sorry for. My dad didn’t raise me to expect sympathy. I don’t even really know how to accept it. It’s awkward.  Of course I’m heartbroken and this is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through, but fuck I’m still normal. Treat me like I’m normal before I forget I am.

B R E A T H E

Yesterday. Yesterday changed my life. I keep replaying it in my head, the little fragments and pieces I can remember anyway. Yesterday, the day that will forever hold so much hurt and anger. September 18th, 2017. I already have that date burned into my head. I can’t believe it was yesterday. It feels like it’s been weeks. The emotions, the thoughts. I feel like I’ve aged 5 years in 24 hours. “Stay strong.” I’ve heard that so many times in the past day I don’t ever want to hear it again. I am TRYING. I am trying so hard. STAY STRONG.. AKA.. DO THE IMPOSSIBLE. I just lost the biggest part of my heart.. but stay strong. I feel bitter and I feel cold. I feel selfish. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I’m in a dream. Nothing seems real and I’m just waiting to wake up. Please wake me up. Please just wake me up and tell me it was a nightmare. It was a nightmare.. a living nightmare. I’ll never get the image out of my head. I’ll never get the hurt out of my heart. Has this really only been a day? How am I supposed to get through THE REST OF MY LIFE… WITHOUT YOU.. it’s only been one day. I don’t want tomorrow to come. I get to pick out your urn.. I get to talk about your arrangements.. I get to make more phone calls saying the same thing over and over choking down tears… happy Wednesday. I haven’t been able to sleep. I can barely sit still. I miss you so much and it’s only been ONE DAY. “Take it a day at a time.” ┬áDamn you, Yesterday.