On my bad days (like today) I can’t even look in the mirror. It hurts too bad to see what I hide every day of my life . To see the real me, the one that no one sees. Because it’s ugly. Not physically. But mentally and emotionally . So so so ugly. So full of anger and sadness. Full of emotions too raw for me to even describe. People think I give too much but it’s so much easier to focus on seeing other people happy than it is to face why I am so miserable .
Some days I wish I could die . Not in a suicidal call someone for help type of way , but dying doesn’t sound that bad when I get to be with my dad again. I wish I could just for a day– just to have one day of peace .
I don’t even know what peace feels like anymore . Maybe I’m not fine like I always say. Idk I’m gonna keep saying it so people leave me alone .
This is the only way I can vent … writing or typing it out. I hate talking to people . It doesn’t help. Nothing really helps , somedays are just more distracting than others I guess .
The shittiest part is always being strong for everyone else . People never think you’re weak when you’re Literally drowning. But I guess that’s my own fault for always saying I’m fine.
I don’t know. I’m angry . I’m heartbroken , I feel broken in general ….but
This is the first time I’ve not only used, but looked at this in almost a year. What a year it’s been. After losing my dad I definitely lost myself. The girl I’ve known for the past 25 years died the same day my dad did. Every day I discover something new about myself. Some days I don’t care about anything, some days I care too much. Guess those are the normal trials and tribulations though. I’ve parted from my partner of the past seven years, tried to do some soul searching. Some days I feel strong, others I feel weak. Knowing I’ve completely shattered someone’s heart and soul, that doesn’t sit well with me but at the same time, now is the time Darion needs to come first. Right now my heart is in Dubai. Only a few people will know what that means. I’ve cut ties with many people this year, but those people don’t know me anymore. They want the old me, but she’s gone. I like the new me. I feel stronger and wiser. More beautiful than I’ve ever felt, and for the first time in my life I feel in control. I don’t need anyone, just myself and God. . I’m so blessed.
Today it has been one month without my dad. It was an okay day. Emotional for various reasons. One of my very dear friends lost her mother today. She was an amazing woman and my heart is heavy knowing how she may feel right now. (PS: if you’re reading this, I love you.) People always say “Time heals all” but that really isn’t true for all situations.
Over the last few weeks I’ve really opened my eyes to the way i’m living my life. I’ve buried myself in work for so long that I haven’t realized how much I’ve been missing out on. I miss old friends and family. One of my goals is to get in touch with the people I’ve missed, and stay in touch. Life really is so short, and too unpredictable. With that being said I’ve made another decision. A lifestyle change. I’m using this as a promise to myself that I will take better care of myself. I’ll eat healthier, I’ll exercise. I’ll try my best to live a long and fulfilling life. When I first saw my dad’s death certificate I didn’t know what to think. He had so many health problems I wasn’t even aware of. It scared me. It made me realize I need to put myself first, not last. In his honor, I’m putting Darion first for the first time in my life.
The reason I started this ‘blog’ was to get my feelings off my chest. I’m horrible opening up to people, it makes me feel so vulnerable and uncomfortable. Reading my first post, it hurts me to come face to face with how much pain I was (am) holding inside. I hope these get lighter and happier, but they will always be my real feelings and thoughts. Good or bad. Don’t hold things in for too long, and don’t forget to take care of yourself.
It’s been one week since my dad passed away. I haven’t cried in three days. I feel strong.. most of the day. I like to be at work so I don’t have to think about it. I’m starting to eat and sleep again. I’ve survived 7 days longer than I thought I would, but this shit sucks honestly. Everyone feels so bad for me. So many apologies and hugs. I mean don’t get me wrong I appreciate it, and I am so thankful to have such a strong support system who I love, but I don’t want to be felt sorry for. My dad didn’t raise me to expect sympathy. I don’t even really know how to accept it. It’s awkward. Of course I’m heartbroken and this is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through, but fuck I’m still normal. Treat me like I’m normal before I forget I am.
Yesterday. Yesterday changed my life. I keep replaying it in my head, the little fragments and pieces I can remember anyway. Yesterday, the day that will forever hold so much hurt and anger. September 18th, 2017. I already have that date burned into my head. I can’t believe it was yesterday. It feels like it’s been weeks. The emotions, the thoughts. I feel like I’ve aged 5 years in 24 hours. “Stay strong.” I’ve heard that so many times in the past day I don’t ever want to hear it again. I am TRYING. I am trying so hard. STAY STRONG.. AKA.. DO THE IMPOSSIBLE. I just lost the biggest part of my heart.. but stay strong. I feel bitter and I feel cold. I feel selfish. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I’m in a dream. Nothing seems real and I’m just waiting to wake up. Please wake me up. Please just wake me up and tell me it was a nightmare. It was a nightmare.. a living nightmare. I’ll never get the image out of my head. I’ll never get the hurt out of my heart. Has this really only been a day? How am I supposed to get through THE REST OF MY LIFE… WITHOUT YOU.. it’s only been one day. I don’t want tomorrow to come. I get to pick out your urn.. I get to talk about your arrangements.. I get to make more phone calls saying the same thing over and over choking down tears… happy Wednesday. I haven’t been able to sleep. I can barely sit still. I miss you so much and it’s only been ONE DAY. “Take it a day at a time.” Damn you, Yesterday.
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